A tribute album to insanity
American President Abraham Lincoln was once quoted as saying “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Televangelist Pat Robertson has made a long and shockingly successful career out of removing all doubt almost every time he opens his mouth. In the aftermath of the huge earthquake that devastated the impoverished nation of Haiti this week, Mr. Robertson did what he does best and once again made an ass of himself on live television by saying, “It may be a blessing in disguise. … Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.” A pact with the devil? Are you serious? It’s a true story? Where’s your proof, Pat? Do the Haitians have this pact in writing somewhere? Did the Devil sign it? What does the Devil’s signature look like? Sometimes I think he just makes this shit up so he can feel good about getting billions of dollars in donations to his own charities while not spending a dime to alleviate real human suffering elsewhere.
What I fail to understand is how this douchenozzle managed to remain on national television for so long. It follows that somebody (perhaps even more than one person) watches his program and is a fan of his work. Who are these people (in my best Jerry Seinfeld voice)? Can you imagine how low one’s IQ would have to be to tune into The 700 Club for anything more than a good laugh? Where do these people come up with the money to support this so-called ministry? I’d be surprised if these folks could even muster enough brain power to tie their own shoelaces. I’d almost feel sorry for these idiots if they weren’t so annoying and vile. Some of what spews forth from the mouth of Pat Robertson not only reflects his own intellectual and moral bankruptcy, it reflects upon the stupidity and immorality of those who follow him and his ministries.
And now for your consideration, Libertoad.com presents Pat Robertson’s greatest hits, with commentary and rebuke from your host Crazy Ivan.
“Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.” Part of me is thinking we should either put Pat Robertson in a concentration camp for a month or sell him into slavery to some godawful third-world hellhole. Maybe then he might gain a little perspective. Oh hell! Who am I kidding?
“Wait a minute, I didn’t say ‘assassination.’ I said our special forces should ‘take him out,’ and ‘take him out’ can be a number of things.” This was something Pat Robertson said to mitigate his earlier call for the assassination of Hugo Chavez, the commie dictator from Venezuela. Pat’s backpedaling here, and only succeeding in digging himself deeper. ‘Take him out’ can mean a number of things? Like what? Take him out for drinks and dancing? Maybe take him out to dinner and a movie? Show him a good time? Is there something you want to tell us Pat? Closets are for clothes after all.
“There is never in the Constitution at any point, anything that applies that to the states, none at all. The Supreme Court has done it over repeated attempts by Congress which have been beaten back to do such a thing.” Uhh…Pat “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” I believe that’s the tenth amendment to the Constitution of the United States…dumbass.
“We have imagined ourselves invulnerable and have been consumed by the pursuit of … health, wealth, material pleasures and sexuality… It [terrorism] is happening because God Almighty is lifting his protection from us.” This would have to be Pat Robertson’s magnum opus of stupid. He was spouting this claptrap before the dust at ground zero had even settled. It also appears to me that Pat Robertson seems to have no shortage of wealth, and material possessions. As far as sexuality goes, not even the gay community has obsessed as much over gayness as he has. It makes one wonder.
“You say you’re supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don’t have to be nice to them.” The spirit of the Antichrist? You mean President Obama? I didn’t know he was a Presbyterian. I’m kidding of course. But seriously, this whole “chosen people” crap is the most tired cliche’ of organized religion. Every little cult and sect says “We’re God’s chosen people and all of those other infidels are going to hell.” If God chose Pat Robertson then God is one dumb son of a bitch.
“[Planned Parenthood] is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism — everything that the Bible condemns.” I think it would be funny one day if someone were to go to Planned Parenthood to get an abortion for a sheep that he knocked up during an act of bestiality. I wish I could come up with a better response but what Pat says is usually way funnier than anything I could come up with.
“Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals — the two things seem to go together.” He might be on to something here. After all, those jackboots that the Nazi soldiers used to wear are very popular among gay leather boys. As far as the Satanist thing goes, that’s a bit of a stretch. Can you imagine a seriously flaming homosexual with a lisp praying to “Thaytan?” Yeah, I can’t either.
“Many observers say that AIDS is the hammer and gun of the homosexual movement, an effective vehicle to propel the homosexual agenda throughout every phase of our society. “ And there are other observers who say that AIDS is a disease that kills people, but what the hell do they know?
“How can there be peace when drunkards, drug dealers, communists, atheists, New Age worshipers of Satan, secular humanists, oppressive dictators, greedy money changers, revolutionary assassins, adulterers, and homosexuals are on top?” Dude, you forgot to mention the Illuminati, the Bildeburg Group, and the space aliens who probe our butt-holes and put microchips in our heads. As long as all these groups are on top we’re totally fucked.
“I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you. … [A] condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs, it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor.” This was something ol’ Pat said with regards to the annual Gay Days celebration at Disney World in Orlando. It came as no shock to anyone that Pat has no career as a weather forecaster. There were no earthquakes, tornadoes, or meteors. As a matter of fact it was perfect ass-less chaps weather. On the other hand, only a few months after the Orlando festivities Robertson’s compound in Virginia Beach was blasted by Hurricane Bonnie. Wow, God gave the fags a nice day in Orlando and sent a category 3 hurricane to Pat’s front door. This may be hard for an evangelical nut like Robertson to believe, but I think God is siding with the fags.
Then of course there are Pat’s numerous doomsday predictions of which one has yet to come true. Here’s the breakdown.
In 1976 Robertson predicted that the world would come to an end in late 1982. The world didn’t end, but the DeLorean Motor company did file for bankruptcy that year. Maybe Robertson was a shareholder.
In 2006 he claimed that God told him that a tsunami would hit the pacific northwest as punishment for all those fornicators in Seattle and Portland that same year. Of course there was no tsunami. I’m beginning to think that God’s just fucking with Pat for his own amusement.
In 2007 God told Pat Robertson that there would be a mass killing in the United States later that year, possibly due to a terrorist attack. There was of course no mass killing in 2007, and God had once again fooled Pat Robertson into believing another doomsday scenario.
So there you have it. The Greatest Hits of Pat Robertson complete with assorted B-sides. It’s unlikely that anyone who reads this site is a fan of Pat Robertson, but if you are, what the hell is the matter with you? But seriously folks, I hope this compilation of wacky quotes and predictions offers an insight into the sheer unadulterated crazy that is Pat Robertson. Keeping this in mind, we at Libertoad.com would like to present Pat with the Douchebaggery Lifetime Achievement Award. It might not be salvation from on high, Pat, but it is what you deserve.